Friday, October 7, 2011
I Have a Date!
And it is not with my husband!! I will be having my gastric bypass on December 27, 2011. That is 80 days from now - not that I am counting or anything! I was very excited this week because I called my surgeon's office to check to see if they had everything they needed from me and to try to schedule my second consultation with the surgeon. I had to take a day off for my sleep study so I figured perhaps I could make an appointment with Dr. R the same day to try to conserve my days off for surgery. No such luck. I need to have all of my consultations complete (and the reports in) before I see Dr. R again. I mentioned that I needed a kind of specific date for my surgery because I work in a school and really want to have the surgery over Christmas break so I can use the time I would normally have off to recover. That way, I would only need to take three weeks away from my students instead of 4. Dr. R's office manager decided to set my surgery date right then and there. Woohoo! I was ecstatic - for about 20 minutes. Then, panic started to set in. What if something happens during surgery and I die? What if something happens during surgery and I have to live somehow compromised for the rest of my life? Will I be able to live without Coke and McDonald's? A funny thing started to happen....I started to think maybe I was making a mistake. I have been eating so well and exercising so maybe I could really do it on my own. Then I remembered. I have done this over and over and over again. I lose 10 pounds and I get all excited thinking I could, in fact, lose 150 pounds by myself. Then, I get hungry or stressed out and BAM - I am done and I end up gaining twice what I lost drowning my feelings of failure in a double cheeseburger or several king sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I cannot do this "the old fashioned way" because I have been since I could choose my own food. I need to do this but I feel like a bit of a failure. I don't have enough will power to overcome being fat. It makes me annoyed with myself. I go to a dark place when I get annoyed with myself. But this time it is going to be different. I am gathering boxes to pack up my summer clothes that I will never, ever wear again. That makes me feel hopeful. I cannot do this on my own, and that is ok. I need the help of a surgeon to make my stomach the size of a golf ball in order to be able to buy clothes at a regular store. I need to have a surgical procedure done so that I can go to an amusement park with my family and actually fit on a ride with them. So I am not watching everyone else do the fun stuff because I don't fit or I feel self conscious. I am tired of being the one who sits out. I am 37 years old and I would like my life back, please. I cannot do it by myself and that is ok. In 11 and a half weeks I will be given a helping hand and I cannot wait!